How badly do you want to be a footballer?

Comedy

Dark Humor

From Arseblog

I considered a ‘ways to make Arsenal win again’ series but I’m not sure the ways I thought up were all that good. The first one was to hypnotise the entire squad into thinking they were much better at football than they actually are, but I’m not a hypnotist and I think some of them already think they’re better than they are. The other one was to hire a load of sinister looking blokes to follow the players around and let them know they’d better win or there’d be consequences.

So, let’s say Theo Walcott is going around his local Sainsbury’s picking up some Pop Tarts and a jar of pesto and sinister looking bloke pops out from behind a display of baked beans (you know the kind that gets knocked over in cartoons and stuff), stands in front of Theo, says ‘You better win every game for the rest of the season, mate. If not …’, and then he does the slicey-throat gesture with his finger. He then walks off but such is his skill at being a sinister bastard he’d let Theo see him every so often, saying nothing, but doing slicey-throat. Like, Theo is off to training, driving down the road, and there, standing on the corner is our man, doing ‘slicey-throat’. Theo looks up from reading the Beano while having a poo and there’s our man at the window.

Then I remembered I tried that before and it freaked Bendtner out so much he drove his car into a field and was never the same again. The reason he wanted out of Arsenal wasn’t for first team football, it was to get away from sinister bloke and his threatening gestures. He also did that one where you make a circle out of your thumb and index finger and … well, I think you know the rest.


Quotable

Just read this on Arseblog this morning, the writer referring to Barcelona’s attempts to get Cesc away from the Emirates.  I had to pass it on…it actually made me laugh out loud.

And finally, as Xavi sits on a rock, his nipples glistening in the sun, his siren call bleating through the air to lure his one true love back to Barcelona, Denilson has told Sky Sports he thinks Cesc is going to stay. Something something sideways pass something something blah blah blah. Yeah!

Compelling imagery.   More updates to come, stay tuned.


Jon Stewart Tries his Luck with the USWNT

Jon Stewart and the beautiful game…


Poor Bet from the Special One

For those of you who might not have heard of Special1 TV, it’s a BBC comedy web-show about football…involving puppets.  This is the season finale, with a cliffhanger of an ending that’s leaving me a bit anxious.  Enjoy.

Mourinho’s wager will force me to do something I’ve never done before…root for Man U.  What a shame.  Regardless, here are a few of my favorite episodes from this season.

Match of the Century

Conspiracy at the Nou Camp  (I have the utmost respect for Mr. Wenger, but this is too funny to pass up.)

I haven’t been able to find an RSS feed of all the Special1 TV episodes, but Soccer By Ives will usually post the newest episodes.