I considered a ‘ways to make Arsenal win again’ series but I’m not sure the ways I thought up were all that good. The first one was to hypnotise the entire squad into thinking they were much better at football than they actually are, but I’m not a hypnotist and I think some of them already think they’re better than they are. The other one was to hire a load of sinister looking blokes to follow the players around and let them know they’d better win or there’d be consequences.
So, let’s say Theo Walcott is going around his local Sainsbury’s picking up some Pop Tarts and a jar of pesto and sinister looking bloke pops out from behind a display of baked beans (you know the kind that gets knocked over in cartoons and stuff), stands in front of Theo, says ‘You better win every game for the rest of the season, mate. If not …’, and then he does the slicey-throat gesture with his finger. He then walks off but such is his skill at being a sinister bastard he’d let Theo see him every so often, saying nothing, but doing slicey-throat. Like, Theo is off to training, driving down the road, and there, standing on the corner is our man, doing ‘slicey-throat’. Theo looks up from reading the Beano while having a poo and there’s our man at the window.
Then I remembered I tried that before and it freaked Bendtner out so much he drove his car into a field and was never the same again. The reason he wanted out of Arsenal wasn’t for first team football, it was to get away from sinister bloke and his threatening gestures. He also did that one where you make a circle out of your thumb and index finger and … well, I think you know the rest.